August 6, 2009

Dork vs. Dork: G.I. Joe: the Rise of COBRA
A somber documentary about working in the Dept. of Homeland Security
By Glenn Given production@hippopress.com & Dan Szczesny dszczesny@hippopress.com

Where is your Michael Bay now? While the Transformers movies fail because at their core the original series was all about a little boy’s giant robot friends, G.I. Joe’s only lip service to kid-friendliness was in its “Knowing is Half the Battle” epilogues. Well, here’s half the battle of the new film: (1) Stephen Sommers has cast a top-notch British actor (Jonathan Pryce) as the U.S. president. (2) Ninja brothers who hate each other. (3) Lasers. (4) The Eiffel Tower gets eaten by nano bots. Bonus: Dr. Who is the bad guy.

Sure, there is a wayward Wayans brother stuck in here and for the most part the cast is made of?B-listers. And I’ll admit my initial skepticism led me to deride G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra as just another cash-in on my?youthful post- school diversions, but?after browsing the movie adaptation graphic novel and viewing a few more clips, it’s really growing on me. How much sillier a plot?than the original series can the film get and how much better an?action tableau can Sommers (The Mummy series, Deep Rising)?make??Shameful toy-pimping popcorn flick? Of course. But?also lasers shooting helicopters out of the sky while everything explodes. — Glenn Given

Dan Responds
You know, I think the late summer blockbuster blues may have given you a case of malaria. Yes, sure, who doesn’t want to see the Eiffel Tower falling into the Seine — but Dennis Quaid? He’s too powerful. No amount of laser ninja British helicopters will overcome his squinting, constipated “acting.” Close your bedroom door, crawl under your blanky and crack open your G.I. Joe dolls. They won’t hurt you the way this movie will.

Oh, come on, really? G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, in August. Hey, I have a better idea. Instead of seeing this movie, how about you give your money to director Stephen Sommers and he’ll just punch you right in the face? What’s that? Stephen who, you ask? Van Helsing. Deep Rising. Scorpion King. That’s who.

Honestly, to say this guy is second rate is about five rates too short. Uwe Boll won’t even bother with G.I. Joe; he’s too busy directing BloodRayne III. This movie has me wishing Michael Bay would just get on with Bad Boys III already.

Even the trailers look bush-league — I kept thinking “Hmm, I wonder if this would look better in cartoon format.”

Consider the line-up of has-beens, washouts, nobodies and wannabes. Karolina Kurkova: we all know what happens when a Victoria’s Secret model tries to act. Sienna Miller: “Cheated on by Jude Law” shouldn’t qualify you for a big Hollywood role (or maybe it should). Ray Park: Yeah, nice try, Darth Maul. And of course Dennis Quaid as General Hawk — though to be fair he did play the voice of Grandpa Redbeard on SpongeBob so he’s got that going if he ever decides the whole real-person acting thing is not for him.

Even writing about this movie is giving it too much credit. — Dan J. Szczesny

Glenn Responds
Oh boo hoo precious G.I. Joe isn’t being scripted by Sindey Lumet. I’m sorry that G.I. Joe isn’t ready to stand on your Criterion Collection shelf but Sommers can make some great on-screen spectacle. If you can’t push aside your Metamucil and stop shaking your walker at whippersnappers long enough to see  a simple summer treat I don’t see why you even bother keeping one foot out of the grave.

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6/25/2009 Transformers 2
6/4/2009 Land of the Lost
5/21/2009 Terminator Salvation
5/7/2009 Star Trek
04/30/2009 X-Men Origins: Wolverine
08/21/2008 Death Race
08/14/2008 Star Wars: The Clone Wars
07/31/2008 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emporer
07/24/2008 The X-Files 2
07/17/2008 The Dark Knight
07/10/2008 Hellboy II
07/03/2008 Hancock
06/19/2008 Get Smart
06/12/2008 The Incredible Hulk
05/09/2008 Speed Racer
07/06/2006 Thelma Todd at 100
07/06/2006 Ahoy Mateys!
06/15/2006 Indie-phile
06/01/2006 Reconstructing Thelma
05/25/2006 X3
05/18/2006 The Da Vinci Code
05/11/2006 Poseidon
05/04/2006 Mission Impressive?
04/27/2006 Get carded
04/20/2006 Catching the slam wave
04/13/2006 Rescuing the man on the clock
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03/23/2006 Texas Hold 'Em, almost
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02/16/2006 Party with the dancing stars
01/26/2006 Predicting the movie playoffs
01/19/2006 Almost Gruntled: Looking a gift something or other in the mouth
01/05/2006 Eveerybody loves the gay cowboys