The vice president
of two evils?

By Jeffrey R. DeRego

As the conventions of the two major political parties prepare to convene, much talk about possible running mates has hit the airwaves like "The Perfect Storm." Not one to let such a choice opportunity to slip away, I have prepared a list of suitable, though probably unconsidered, running mates for Al Gore.

As it stands now, George W. (or Dubya, depending on where you live) Bush has chosen Gulf War super stud and former Secretary of Defense, Dick Cheney, though Cheney will probably neither confirm nor deny such an event.

Meanwhile Albert Gore is considering Congressman Dick Gephardt, Sen. John Kerry or our own New Hampshire Governor Jeanne Shaheen

The way I see it, if Al Gore wants to capture the moderate group of his party, as well as the sea of Independent voters, he needs a running mate that will better fit the jaded perceptions of the traditional American non-voter.

My vice presidential picks are:

Fidel Castro - His record of defying the American political establishment is even more legendary than that of John McCain. Castro would also level out the top-heaviness of the right wing elements of both parties. Perhaps even better than Fidel would be...

Elian Gonzalez - At least he has positive name recognition. Okay, so he's only eight, but Elian wouldn't be stitching sneakers together like thousands of kids his age in countries like Indonesia or Vietnam. So, I think we can repeal the standing child-labor laws, but just this once.

Ousted Mexican President Ernesto Zedillo - He was the only International Head of State that George Bush could name. Therefore, without even mentioning the infamous primary interview, Al Gore could remind America of this little embarrassing Bush moment at opportune moments like debates, press conferences, fund raisers, charity speeches and on bumper stickers and placards at busy intersections.

Former Indonesian President Suharto, or current Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic - With either of these men on the Democratic ticket, questions about East Timor or Kosovo could be deflected to the VP debate. It would also reinforce the bridge that George "Dubya's" dad and Gore's Boss worked so hard to construct between compassionate American politicians and foreign war criminals.

If Al Gore wishes to appeal to the hip, young MTV crowd that President Clinton wowed with his admission of boxers over briefs, then here are some more mainstream personalities who could fill the VP spot.

Regis Philbin - Since he's captured the imagination of the American public with his game show for the educationally challenged, “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”, who better to take over the PR duties just below the commander in chief. Also, during State of the Union addresses, when the opposing side of the floor groans, he could chirp "Is that your final answer?"

Eminem - Also known to law enforcement officials as Marshall Mathers, this controversial rapper has touched the souls of today's disenfranchised youth with heartfelt raps about such things as dumping his dead wife's body into a river. Eminem's nomination would guarantee the involvement of a younger voter demographic in the political process. Perhaps he could promise an autographed CD to whomever votes for the Gore/Eminem ticket? He may also choose to pistol whip Dick Cheney during the VP debate.

The Pets.com Hand Puppet - He would make Al Gore look slightly less wooden. He would also be the only corporate puppet that was an ACTUAL puppet.

If the Muppet vote is ignored, Gore could choose someone who can compete in the VP debates. I suggest Joe Camel, for three reasons.

1- He appeals to young children.
2- He doesn't have to carry around an oxygen supply like the Marlboro Man.
3- It would help remind the American public that succulent, rich tobacco, is a staple in the GATT adhering U.S. export economy.

To balance the inanimate nature of Al Gore, I suggest scenery chewing overactor and recorder of a the Tipper-friendly album, "A Transformed Man," William Shatner. Okay, so what if he's Canadian. I just want him to debate Dick Cheney. "Ladies ...andgentle... MEN!......... Thetaxplan.... As.... PUT.... FORTH.... bymyoppo.... Nent... Doesnotmeetthe....... NEEDS..... Of.... The.... Americanpeople! Phasers on............... STUN!"

Or, Oprah Winfrey, who will tap the single, and stay at home mom vote. Besides, she could probably persuade Deepak Chopra to take the position of Surgeon General.

And finally, since there is little other than name distinction separating George and Al, why not just draft George W. Bush? Gore/Bush 2000. I bet "Dubya" wouldn't even notice.

That way everybody wins. Right?