Measuring Reform Party legitimacy with a nightstick and plastic handcuffs

By Jeffrey R. DeRego

I think we should judge the legitimacy of a political party by how many protesters show up during the convention with the hope that a savage beating by the host city’s police force will bring their particular issue to the floor. But then, this yardstick already seems to be in place.

Look at the sixty thousand or so that clogged Philadelphia during the Republican "You've Got A Friend In Petroleum" show, or the estimated one hundred thousand at the Democrat’s production of "Burn, Hollywood Burn, Oh, and Thanks for all the Funds" in Los Angeles.

No presidential candidate with less than a 15% standing in nationwide polls is considered a "serious" candidate for President. That means both the candidates of the Green Party and the Reform Party are, as it stands now, out of luck. The thought of George "Dubya" Bush and Al "Poke him with a stick to see if he moves" Gore locked in intellectual combat doesn't fill me with hope, especially since without "legitimacy" Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader will both be restricted from any and all political debates.

This was a major theme at both Reform Party conventions.

Surely, if the People for the Ethical Treatment of (submit noun here) thought Buchanan or John Hagelin had even a remote chance they would have offered their skulls for truncheon testing in Long Beach. Right?

Remember the Reform Party? Anyone?

Unless you live in Antarctica, or perhaps somewhere in the civilized lower forty-eight, you may have missed the Reform Party convention. Admittedly, the lure of the Reform Party has diminished some after political mighty mite, earmuff model, and founder of the party, H. Ross Perot moved behind the curtain. Taking up the mantle of insane isolationism is paranoid lunatic Pat Buchanan.

The Reform Party met in Long Beach, California this year, and after considerable infighting, snapped into two distinct parts. The Reform Party nominated Casper Milktoastish bore-ator and physicist John Hagelin and dot-com millionaire Nat Goldhaber while the Buchanan Reform Party nominated conspiracy theorist Pat Buchanan and wacko retired school teacher Ezola Foster.

This meant two conventions. This meant two acceptance speeches. This meant several hours of C-SPAN.

New Hampshire is the “Go Pat Go” state, where only four years ago Buchanan easily leveraged the popular Republican vote from consummate party animal, and one-armed bandit, Bob Dole. So, it was no surprise that Buchanan turned the somewhat rational alternative to the republicrats into a three-ring and two-party circus. Accusations of ballot stuffing and seedy backdoor campaign tactics by Buchanan and his supporters during their stint in the Republican limelight drove a wedge between Hagelin’s supporters (mostly other physicists, I think) and the enormous group of “They’re all out to get me’s” that orbit Buchanan like thousands of disenfranchised moons.

What surprised me the most was that the actual Reform Party, that of John Hagelin, was the group that vacated the established convention hall and took up residence in a room decorated by the Long Beach High School Debate Society and Dungeons and Dragons Club, leaving the Buchanan Reform Party with the “Big Brother is watching you” stage show and acres of dollar bill shaped confetti.

Buchanan, never one who fails to terrify me, spoke of evicting the United Nations from their New York City headquarters and managed to portray elder statesman Kofi Annan as a devilish, evil, money-hungry one world government, emperor on par with Slobodan Milosevic and Kim Jong Il.

Not one to stop when he is on a roll, Pat attacked the persecution of Christians in China, the United States Supreme Court, and every government agency not connected directly to defense. He reserved special and poisonous rhetoric for the IRS (I hope the audit scheduler was watching), and the Department of Education.

However, his assertion that an American life begins on his or her potential parents first date was a bit far fetched, even for me.

Buchanan threatened to replace every Supreme Court Justice with “people who accept our religious heritage," then ended his convention to the strains of pro-wrestler Hulk Hogan’s entrance music “I am a Real American,” mixed with the slogan “Win Pat Win!” shouted by a few hundred glassy-eyed possible militia members.

While Buchanan’s Reform Party offered we C-SPAN viewers an amateur theater production of “Triumph of the Will,” Hagelin’s Reform Party gave us a...press conference?

This leads me to believe that all Reform Party delegates take lots of prescription medication.

As a counterpoint to Buchanan’s ranting, Hagelin offered a brief, vague message of inclusion, then took questions from the press. I can only guess that he accepted the nomination... It was relatively unclear to me, my wife, and judging from the stunned faces flickering across the television, everyone at the convention.

Both groups were adamant that their man would take his rightful place as chief executive of the United States.

Um... Hello? Even if, in some parallel universe, either of these men received a majority of the popular vote, the electoral college wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot pole. Though, I think for the sake of the attendees, they have to put on a brave face.

Can Pat Buchanan, a man who has dealt in the worst aspect of American politics for his entire adult life, believe that his political snowball has even the remotest chance in the Arizona desert of American politics?

Can John Hagelin, a man who knows Newton’s laws like Buchanan knows the ten commandments, really believe that his political apple will fall up?

Why then should I worry that Buchanan wants the Ten Commandments posted on every city street, mailbox, government agency, painting, sculpture, or rock and roll CD in the United States? Or, that John Hagelin’s rallying cry was “can I open the floor to questions?”

I mean, how much of anything can either of these men do?

Copyright © 2000 HIPPOPRESS LLC. All rights reserved.