Two men enter! One Man leaves! Fixing the debate debacle

By Jeffrey R. DeRego
HippoPress.com

Okay, so I am a masochist. I want to see every political candidate in one place, at the same time, arguing amongst themselves, about the issues that drove their quest for the Oval Office.

MacReynolds! Browne! Brantley! Falco! Palicki! Whisman! Winter! Hagelin! Buchanan! Nader! Bush! Gore!

Okay, so maybe you only recognize the last four, but that doesn’t mean only four men are running. Candidates come in several sizes, colors, and belief systems. From laissez faire Libertarians to Internet savvy Technocrats to traditional fiscal and social conservatives to... well... less conservative fiscal and social conservatives.

Most people know nothing of the “other” candidates because the media generally ignores them, they probably don’t campaign outside of their own state - in some cases their own neighborhood - and they aren’t welcome in the televised debates that lead to November 7th’s general election.

Some candidates, notably Buchanan and Nader, have decried their restriction from debate participation, and rightly so. The way I see it, if someone is willing to donate their time and money to something as consuming as a presidential campaign, then they deserve to be heard. As it stands now, only candidates meeting a minimum 15 % standing in public polls are “invited” to debate before our great nation.

Funny, I don’t remember anyone asking me if I would like my candidates screened for acceptability. Do you? Since the 15% is a rather arbitrary number, I suggest a few other arbitrary debate structures that would get the other candidates into the public eye... and the 4 a.m. “independent candidates debate” on CSPAN doesn’t count.

1. Let them all participate in a mammoth debate structured like the television program “Survivor”. Have the mediator ask questions to each candidate, then let the candidates work in teams to perform some idiotic and possibly life threatening task like crossing an Olympic sized salt water pool filled with hungry sharks. Then they get to vote someone out of the debates for the remainder of the campaign season. Whoever the last candidate is gets all the available funds.

2. In New Hampshire we have the ignominious “pancake flip-off” during the primary race, but we would need something more exciting leading to the general election. I suggest a two week, nightly, individual competition against the Iron Chef. Candidates who fail to produce a succulent and delightful meal for a small group of Japanese television stars withdraw from the race. I think this might eliminate Gore and Bush right off, as neither of them have the necessary intellect to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

3. Let all the candidates debate at the same time, but restrict questions to identifying quotes from Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

4. Since none of the candidates served in the military save for Al Gore (the Reserve doesn’t count), let paintball be the deciding skill in determining who is best suited to run the country. This way each candidate would get a taste of the battlefield conditions to which they would have the power to send American troops. Since we need to make this as realistic as possible, I suggest setting the paintball arena up in a nice place like Kosovo, or Port Au Prince. To handicap Al Gore’s experience in the service, his gun doesn’t work, but he gets to use a nifty camera instead.

5. Make the candidates answer debate questions while bungee jumping at the X-Games.

6. Test each candidate’s intelligence with a book report, five pages, double spaced, on the themes present in “The Diary of Anne Frank.” For the length of this assignment, “Cliff’s Notes” are removed from all libraries and bookstores. The candidates that score less than 65 percent are removed from the presidential race and sent to summer study at an inner city school.

7. Let Marilyn Manson act as the debate mediator.

8. Make all candidates watch a double feature of Battlefield Earth and Mission to Mars. CSPAN could broadcast their screams of agony on “Road to the Whitehouse.” If any of them leave the theater for more than five minutes, which is an adequate bathroom break, they are disqualified from the presidential race.

9. Since big business has spend umpteen zillions of dollars financing both Bush and Gore, make each of them work in an Indonesian shoe factory for one month along side thousands of eight-year-old girls. As a bonus, make them survive on the wages they earn for the time that they are scheduled to stitch Nike sneakers for export to the United States.

10. And finally, ask each candidate to list, in order, the Bill of Rights, from memory. If any of them score less then 10, they are removed from the presidential race and prohibited from dabbling in politics every again, as long as they live.

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