:I wouldn't let these guys baby-sit my cat

By Jeffrey R. DeRego
HippoPress.com

I just finished watching the final debate between Al Gore and George Bush, and now that my stomach cramps have passed, I can capture my thoughts accurately.

Pack your stuff honey, we're moving to Antarctica!

Poll after poll will determine who won the debate. I refuse to declare anything but a loser, and that loser is the American people.

How could the planets align in such a way as to present these two men as our best and brightest? What monumental screw up in random chance allowed the United States to develop such a despicable political dynasty?

Good god, didn't anyone watch this? How can I be expected to hold my nose, and my stomach at the same time, and vote for either of these men? It's like being offered a choice between strychnine and cyanide! Watching these two adult males bicker over how currently uncollected tax money will be spent, who has the best prescription drug plan for seniors (here's a hint, neither!), or which "faith based" organizations will get our tax money in place of a national social conscience is not only maddening, it's infuriating!

Now, I am not one of those reactionary loons that hides out in bunkers and stockpiles bullets for the coming apocalypse, I don't even fear the federal government, but I am beginning to sympathize with the fringe. If this election isn't proof enough that someone, somewhere, or some organization, is running the federal show in the country I am not sure what is.

Where were questions about the IMF? Where were questions about GATT and NAFTA, or China's most favored nation trading status? Instead we get a plethora of inane softball questions approved for answer by the Repulicrat party bosses.

George W. Bush can't even finish a sentence! Not a single sentence, in simple English, unless it is shoved in front of him on a TelePrompTer. Can't anyone tell that he is just reading lines off a freakin' cue card! How on Earth did he best John McCain in the primary? How is it that every Republican in this once great nation did not see through George W. Bush's monumental stupidity!

To quote the astute political pundit Foghorn Leghorn, "He's about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice."

Al Gore is no better. His performance can only be described as terrifying. He embodies all the smugness of the rich kid on the playground wearing a new Izod shirt. I don't want to vote for him, I want to slap him.

Admittedly, watching any of the three debates... Three? Only three? Only Three! ONLY THREE! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD THERE WERE ONLY THREE DEBATES! WE DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!

Let me pause here for a moment...

Oh, I'm sorry, you must've mistaken me for someone who eats a lot of Ritalin. How am I supposed to learn anything about either of these men's positions, or leadership ideas, from one minute (I am being generous) snippets and sentence fragments! You have a prescription drug plan, great... How does it work?

Oh, sorry, your out of time Mister Vice President.

At this point I shove my boot through the television screen and start packing.

Doesn't anyone wonder why voter turnout is barely 30%? I think I have an idea, and it has nothing to do with voter apathy.

We get caught up in such enlightening poll information as "54% of men would rather have a beer with George Bush," and "Al Gore appeals more physically attractive to women voters."

It's like reading a press release for a movie that we all know is going to suck, The Phantom Menace for example, but a few stalwart fans line up for the opening day show, the film recoups its cost with overseas markets and video sales tabulated, and suddenly this rancid garbage is a success.

Hooray.

Instead of The Phantom Menace we get George "I couldn't find my own ass with a map" Bush, and Al Gore, who could probably find his own ass with a map, but he wouldn't know what to do with it when he got there.

Indeed a few stalwart people will line up outside the polling places on November 7th and happily cast their vote for "a prescription drug plan because my Grandma is on Social Security," and others will counter those votes by choosing, "local control of schools because I want that damn voucher program so my kid can go to Calvary Bible School at taxpayer expense."

Somewhere, someone is laughing.

I was never raised to vote against a candidate. I still believe that it is a voter's duty to cast a ballot for the man or woman best suited for the job, but how can I chose when I don't think any of these men are suitable for the job. I wouldn't let these guys baby-sit my cat!

At least in Antarctica all I have to worry about are Emperor Penguins, cold weather, and a giant hole in the ozone layer.

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