Pull My Finger

By Jeffrey R. DeRego
HippoPress.com

It's that time of year. The leaves are nearly gone, cold wind spills down from Canada through window gaps and under doors, thermostats are cranked well above 65 degrees and people are contemplating which relatives to invite to Thanksgiving dinner.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays; this has nothing to do with the mounds of delicious food prepared by my most able brother, Aaron, nor the chance to kibitz with relatives unseen since last Thanksgiving. No. It's my favorite because it begins the official holiday "pull my finger" season.

You all know the Pull My Finger game don't you? I think someone's uncle invented it. The game is simple. Wait for the turkey, turnips and carrots, green bean casserole, and any number of other methane inducing foods to ferment in your belly. Then, when your abdominal pressure is just under 600 PSI, ask one of the littlest kids to tug your outstretched digit.

A loud report temporarily silences the gathering. The child, unaware that the makings of this gastrointestinal supernova were already in production, scowls. You laugh, everyone asks what the smell is, and you, the farter, blame the child. Occasionally, if someone has made the mistake of contributing baked beans to the gathering, it may be necessary to peel the child from the opposite wall, and on even rarer occasions, extinguish smoldering underwear and pencil in singed eyebrows.

Why all this talk about Pull My Finger?

Well, this year is extra special and Pull My Finger takes on an extra meaning. Like a leap year, which adds an extra day to February every fourth year, we are presented with the opportunity to play Pull My Finger on a national scale.

It's an election year. This year we have several uncles offering their index fingers for a gentle tug - Vice President Al Gore, Texas Governor George Bush, right wing fanatical isolationist Pat Buchanan, and fly in the ointment of Big Business Ralph Nader.

The connection of this election to Pull My Finger rests mainly with the inherent physical comparison of voters (children), pulling a special lever (Uncle Stinky's index finger), then complaining about the outcome (like everyone else in the room when Pull My Finger is played).

I can't honestly say whether or not I will participate in this round of national league Pull My Finger. I am not alone. Apparently recent polling data suggests that more than one half of the voting eligible will sit this one out.

I think I know what the problem is. I think it has to do with the overt corruption of our political system.

Why does it take upwards of $1 billion dollars to get a 200,000 dollar-a-year job in the White House? Doesn't this freeze virtually all of us out of the process?

Hello… Anyone?.. Even the New Hampshire, the gubernatorial campaign has cost more than $4 million bucks.

This is brought into the spotlight by the repeated attempts of Buchanan, Nader, and Browne to get into the public side of the political process only to have their attempts repeatedly squashed by the two major parties.

None of the "fringe" candidates made it to the debate stage this year. Why? Well, the debate commission that oversees the way debates are staged, is administrated by high-ranking members of both major political parties. They set the rules, and the media conglomerates from which most of us get the news are all too eager to oblige.

Think about this though…Changing presidents is like changing hats. If you change your hat when your other clothes are dirty, does it suddenly make the clothes clean?

The likely outcome of the election, a Bush victory, has already created social repercussions. Barbara Streisand declared nuclear war against Spain. Cher returned from an overseas film set to offer her services to the Gore campaign. What is she, a spandex clad mercenary? Maybe she can sing "I Got You Babe" with a defeated Al Gore until Tipper administers the suicide pills…

The rest of Hollywood has vowed to move to Antarctica should the election fall in favor of Bush.

What stuns me most of all, what absolutely takes my breath away, is the fact that so many people take this election as seriously as they do. Don't they know how it ends?

Just like Pull My Finger - it stinks.

Copyright © 2000 HIPPOPRESS LLC. All rights reserved.