Maximega Bank Welcomes You

By Jeffrey R. DeRego
HippoPress.com

I hate to stand in line, and I am a rabble-rouser. Nothing amplifies these two normally submerged personality traits better than waiting for service at one of the largest banks in the country.

Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, I am moving money from one account to another, and because of a lack of foresight on my part, I am forced to forego the technological wonder that is a modern automated teller machine for actual service by an actual human teller.

Going to the bank used to be a pleasant experience. That was before my bank, known as Maximega Bank for the purposes of this article, started buying other banks three years ago. Oh those salad days! When I could walk in, even on a Friday, and stand in a short line, while a row of efficient human tellers cheerfully greeted and serviced we regular bankers.

Oh such days they were! Whole groups of us would pass the few short minutes in line with songs of praise for the able men and women behind the counter. They loved us. We knew it. We felt it when they gently slid out receipt back and smiled before offering, "have a wonderful day Mister DeRego."

I have time to reflect on this as I have been in line for almost 15 minutes now, behind fifty other grumpy customers, waiting for the single teller, separated from us by six-inch bullet proof glass, to handle each transaction.

Behind glass partitioned cubicles sit customer service workers. They are not working as the only customers in need of service are in line for the single teller. One paints her nails, another reads a supermarket novel, a third stares at her screen saver as if it is the conclusion to an epic miniseries.

The hate-to-stand-in-line part of my personality is already in bloom, and I know it is only a matter of time before the rabble-rousing side comes to the surface. I know this is coming because I can hear the words echoing inside my head. "Why is there only one teller on the day before a holiday? Don't they realize that all of us have places to go and things to do?"

These questions rouse the rabble. Soon all of the customers in earshot will latch onto these simple questions like pit-bulls with a mouthfuls of super glue coated teeth to Velcro squirrels.

These are the questions that begin a revolution!

I bet dollars to donuts that many of the people that rob these banks do so out of frustration with service rather than for ill-gotten monetary gain. Imagine how much wider the teller smile would be were I waving an AK-47 as I slid my deposit slip through the service slot! She might hit the computer keys with a little more enthusiasm saving me valuable seconds better spent somewhere else.

But I'm not a convict wanna-be and I don't advocate causing trouble of such magnitude in your local neighborhood bank. Besides, I know that the teller is not the one with which I should be angry. No. I reserve that anger for the board of directors or chief executive. The ones who initialed the proposal to charge incredibly high fees while simultaneously lowering savings account interest rates. The ones who want me to use the ATM machine instead of dealing with a human teller. The ones who made it a policy to charge me for converting rolled coins to paper money (.05$ per roll if you care to know). The ones who denied me two personal loans not based on my credit history, but on my "future earnings estimate."

People have waited less time for a donor organ that I have in this line! For the love of Pete! Why doesn't this line move!

I know more people are angry about this. I know that I am not the only one. I stood in line with fifty of them the day before Thanksgiving.

I've changed banks twice since moving to New Hampshire. Once for convenience and once to escape the hell of Maximega Bank, but I know it is only a matter of time before they assimilate my new bank, and I am again left to wander the Earth in search of humanity, dignity, customer service, and a half decent interest rate.

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