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Pinings: Third Wheel
by Sherry Hughes sah103@hotmail.com
Dear Sherry,
Please help me! My roommate has a boyfriend I can?t stand! This man has no respect for her or anyone else. He comes over all the time, despite the talks I?ve had with her about my dislike for him. He is super inconsiderate, disrespectful and absolutely self-centered. Any time they go out, she pays, and it?s always some place expensive. Instead of paying his bills or spoiling her, he buys things for himself and does the absolute minimum for her. She leaves him at our house when she?s not home and instead of looking for a job (he works part time and is always calling out) he sits around, eats our food and plays video games or watches TV. He never picks up after himself, and she?s not good at picking up after herself ? let alone herself and someone else ? so I end up doing it. I know I shouldn?t and I?m not trying to enable the situation, but she just gets defensive or pissed off, and it?s easier than fighting about it. I?ve told her how his inconsideration of her (and me) bothers me, and how she and I deserve better, especially in our own house, but she doesn?t listen, and is convinced that he?s going to change for her. It?s so hard to watch, because while the rest of us were all partying and having fun, she was living at home and paying her own way through college, and all I can do is sit back and watch her throw it all away. Is there anything else I could be doing, or say that might make a difference?
Disgruntled @ Home
Dear Disgruntled,
I don?t know if there is much you can do about your roommate?s dating habits, but there are plenty of things you can do to change the atmosphere you live in.
First off, unless you discussed it ahead of time, it?s not OK for the boyfriend to hang around the house when your roommate isn?t there. You are entitled to your privacy, and if he isn?t paying rent, it?s not fair for him to eat your food and watch your TV and in general, mooch off you two without everyone?s consent. I doubt you?d have a problem with him being there a half hour before she came home from work. It?s the big chunks of time when you and he are alone, right?
It also might be in your best interests to shop separately for food and be clear about what food belongs to which roommate. It?s a tough situation to negotiate (because you may be perceived as being selfish), but when a former roommate of mine was constantly using my pricey cosmetics (without permission) I knew we needed to establish more clear boundaries. Sometimes, you just have to draw a hard line.
In terms of your roommate?s relationship, there?s not much you can do and anything you say may fall on deaf ears. It?s too bad that she is in a relationship that seems so one-sided, from your perspective. But she may love the guy and she may believe he will change. And he may. People change all the time. The key for you is to stand up for yourself and not allow this guy to manipulate you the way he manipulates his girlfriend.
Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers at sah103@hotmail.com
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