When I decided to earn my Master’s Degree, I failed to take into account that I would be surrounded by people much smarter than myself.

This is especially striking as I sit in class, nodding my head and pretending to understand what the people around me are talking about. The professor often goes on at some length about the “importance of the social norm” and everyone else seems to understand him. To be truthful, if I really concentrated, I could probably figure out what that means, but I tend to get distracted by the mental image of a guy named Social Norm with a bad comb-over and plaid polyester slacks at a cocktail party in Toledo, Ohio.
(This sort of thing is a bit of a theme with me. I remember thinking in the weeks following the September 11th attacks a few years ago that there was probably some poor woman named Anne Thrax somewhere having a very hard time of things. My only comfort was that she might meet and marry someone who understood her problems —a man named Al Qaida, perhaps.)
All this could be taken as a sign that I probably shouldn’t be in a study serious enough to use terms like “social norm” in the first place.
 
On the other hand, I am really interested in the subject of this course, which deals with the role of mythology in society, and while I confess that I can’t work up a great deal of enthusiasm for epistemological interpretations of “Piers Plowman” by Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell (okay, I admit I just made that up), I do like the idea of looking at the role myths play in day-to-day life. The way I see it, the ancient myths that we all think of today were developed to address topics of extreme importance to ancient peoples—war, harvest, fire, etc… Of course, given the way my mind works, this theory falls apart a bit, because in my experience, what is truly important to ancient people is catching the Early Bird special for dinner and complaining about property taxes.
 
Yes, I understand that there is a critical difference between ancient peoples and people who are ancient, but nevertheless, this has got me thinking: perhaps what we really need in modern society are a set of myths and gods that address the things that we really care about in our society. In fact, I’ve gone a step further and developed a list of new gods for our time.
You’re welcome.
 
New god #1
Steve, God of the Superbowl
Symbol: A half-eaten corn chip
Acceptable sacrifices: car keys and loose change, to be deposited beneath sofa cushions.
The Great and Powerful Steve does not have the ability to actually make your team win, but if prayers and sacrifices find favor in his sight, your wife will believe that five more minutes actually does equal five real minutes.
 
New god #2
Leonard, God of Snowdays
Worshipers: Mainly children, some teachers
Official ceremonial chant: “Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease”—to be performed in a crouch in front of a radio, while hopping up and down.
Ceremonial garb: Wearing of ceremonial bread wrappers beneath one’s snowboots
 
New god #3
Selma, Dread Goddess of Parking Spaces
Interestingly enough, The Dark Lady is already worshiped, though informally. Unfortunately sacrifices to Her are usually deposited in parking meters after a space has already been found and rarely find favor in Her sight.
 
New god #4
Bob, God of Lost Computer Files
Symbol: No one remembers
Acceptable sacrifices: No one remembers
Ceremony: No one remembers
The long-suffering Bob is hampered by paradox. When a worshiper has lost an important computer file and has made adequate votive offerings, Bob will go back in time and cause him or her to remember to save the file. Unfortunately, this removes the need for the worshiper to call on Bob in the first place and he is forgotten.
 
New god #5
Sid, God of Assembly Instructions and Owner’s Manuals
Sid, on the other hand, has a fairly simple covenant with his worshipers. Siddists keep all owner’s manuals for all appliances they purchase, even for things like ceiling fans and toasters. For every five manuals thus preserved in the Sacred Junk Drawer, Sid will translate one set of assembly instructions into the actual language spoken by the worshiper.
 
New god #6
Bunny, Goddess of Blind Dates
Worshipers: Women (because, let’s face it—most men really don’t put much thought into such things)
Bunny too, has a straightforward relationship with her flock. Certain symbolic actions must be observed. If these rites are omitted, dire consequences can ensue. For example:
• Perfume is to be worn behind each ear, at the hollow of the throat and (inexplicably) on each wrist. If the perfume is not worn, the date will spend at least half an hour during dinner talking about his ex-wife.
• Nice underwear is to be worn. Even if it is not seen (which would probably not be the world’s greatest idea on a first date anyway) it will set the appropriate ceremonial tone acceptable in Bunny’s sight. If such underwear is not worn, the man dated will still live with his mother.
• Also, if pictures of one’s cat or anything having to do with Winnie the Pooh are brought on the date… well, you really don’t want to know; the Wrath of Bunny is not to be endured lightly.
 
New Rites of Passage
According to Joseph Campbell, the acknowledged expert in such things, another area where our society falls short, mythology-wise, is rites of passage. Most cultures have specific ceremonies to celebrate attaining certain milestones in life. We do have a few—weddings and graduations, for instance—but Campbell thinks that we could use a few more. I’d like to submit just two for your consideration:
 
Upon becoming a teenager: You will burst a ceremonial balloon full of shaving cream (think about it—you’ll get it…)
 
Upon learning that you will be parents: You will receive gifts of alarm clocks that will go off randomly and can only be shut off sometimes and never in the same way twice. Random strangers will anoint you with a sprinkling of sour milk.
 
Read more of John Fladd’s columns at www.almostgruntled.com.