Pinings — Advice by Sherry Hughes

Friendly Secret

Dear Pinings,

One of my friends asked me to keep a secret for her. It puts me in a tough position, because it might mean lying to another friend, if she asks me about the particular situation. (They are related by marriage and there is a big family feud going on, so they don’t speak.) I told my friend that I wouldn’t volunteer the information, but I didn’t feel comfortable lying.

As much as I love my friend, I feel like this is coming between us. She wants me to promise not to tell and I don’t feel comfortable with that. It’s not even a secret about her; it’s nothing immoral or illegal.

Should I just promise that I’ll keep the secret and make things easy?

- B

Dear B.

Well, it’s only easy for a while. It won’t be easy forever. It sounds to me like you are bring drawn into some chaos — and you don’t have to go. It’s fine to keep a secret, an admirable thing to do actually. But if it compromises you in some way with another friend, you need to be very clear about how you feel and your intentions.

The best you can do here is to say you won’t discuss it, but that you aren’t promising anything.

After this situation blows over, you might have a talk with your friend about what friendship means to you and how you have felt manipulated in this situation.

Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers. Reach her at sah103@hotmail.com