Pinings — Advice by Sherry Hughes

Changing My Mind...

Dear Sherry,

I was attracted to my boyfriend because he was so different from me. I was really interested in the things he did and the people he is friends with. We’ve been together for eight months now and I’m kind of changing my mind about the attraction. I now feel as if we don’t have anything in common. I think he’s a really nice guy and we get along well. But in the last few months, I’m not as psyched about hanging out with him. I always feel like there is stuff I want to do that I don’t get to do. I like playing video games and just going out with friends to hang out or play pool, stuff like that. He’s older than me, so I think maybe I got caught up in thinking he was more serious and I should try and get more serious too. I’m 22 and I want to get married some day … but I feel way too young to think about it now. He is 35 and ready to settle down. He is in love with me and says I’m the best thing that ever happened to him.

Should I give this more time? Am I being selfish?

- Denise

Dear Denise,

Be honest with your guy about how you are feeling. It’s not that he’s a bad guy or a poor boyfriend. Face it, you just aren’t feeling it for him. And that’s fine. You aren’t doing him any favors by pretending to feel something you don’t feel.

A long time ago, I was in a relationship with someone I had nothing in common with. When the relationship ended, I was devastated. I went to counseling to get through the rough period and just couldn’t understand what had happened. My therapist suggested (gently) that it didn’t sound to him like we were a great match, really. I was astounded! How could he even think that? On further reflection, I realized he was right, we didn’t really have much in common at all. I still wasn’t satisfied, though. I asked him, “But isn’t that normal? Don’t people have relationships all the time without tons of stuff in common? What’s wrong with doing some things together and some things apart?” He said, “Well, I think there are many, many divorced people who used to think that.”

There’s nothing wrong with individual interests — in fact, I think it’s an essential component of a healthy relationship. But if the only thing you have in common is … well, television-watching … you might want to rethink your relationship.

Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers. Reach her via e-mail at sah103@hotmail.com