Pinings — Advice by Sherry Hughes

A few words from Sherry...

Dear Readers,

In a recent column, I answered a letter from Renee, a woman divorced from an abusive man, who suspected that his current fiancé was also a recipient of his abuse. She wondered whether to tell the fianceé about the reasons for their divorce and that if she was being abused, that she could always ask her (Renee) for help.

Renee isn’t afraid of her ex anymore, and only sees him because they have children who still have visitation with him.

I suggested that she discuss the situation with a counselor about the best course of action. I told her some of the things I have experienced as a result of living with an abusive partner.

A reader from Manchester named David sent a letter to me this week. Here’s part of what he had to say:

“I disagree entirely with your advice though — muck requires a good cleansing . You succeeded in further isolating the current victim, and suggesting that Renee is still alone in dealing with the abuser. She is not.  Everyone who read her letter and is incensed by abuse of any kind is now on her side. Women must show some solidarity and compassion to one another, especially in this situation. Enough of the petty jealousy and competition for men; understand that the best companionship for women will always be other women. Men are the loners; let them figure out how to deal with each other and not use women to vent their frustrations upon.

He’s absolutely right. I did suggest that Renee was once again alone in dealing with her abuser. I hope that she has a support system in place, and that the fiancé does as well. I do have compassion for Renee, and if it sounded as if I was trying to slide away from an answer, it was because I was trying to be cautious.

David also wrote:

“When you find a compassionate and noble man, don’t ridicule his chivalry, embrace it. It is the caring man who sets the example for other men, who is a safe haven for the abused. Love, joy, peace, faith, kindness, goodness, mildness, self-control, long-suffering - against these things there are no laws. For those who cannot abide by these, all law has been created.

So long as Renee is aware of her ex-husband’s conduct, her conscience will motivate her to warn others, and condemn her if she doesn’t. When she does warn them, she absolves herself of that pressure, and may even save someone’s life ! Ultimately, Renee should invite the fianceé  to join her at a support group and give her the same tools for survival that have made her the strong woman that she is.”

Thanks for writing, David. I choked and you rule.

Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers. Contact her via e-mail at sah103@hotmail.com.