Pinings — Confused and Angry

by Sherry Hughes       sah103@hotmail.com

Dear Sherry,

I’m sure someone has written to you about this sort of thing before, but I am confused and angry and I need advice. My boyfriend of  four years has been cheating on me — with a friend of mine. He says it “didn’t mean anything” and that it’s over now. I only found out because they both mentioned being somewhere, and it was a place I’d never been.  After that, I spent a couple of weeks doing detective work. When I confronted him, he lied. When I later talked to her, she lied too, but she’s not as convincing. At that point, I already had all the evidence I needed (his cell phone bill, specifically) but I just wanted to see who would be honest with me. I’m not sure why I thought either of them would tell the truth.

Anyway, the problem I’m having now is that I am absolutely full of rage. I haven’t seen either of them for over a month, and don’t intend to. As far as I’m concerned, they don’t deserve to be friends of mine, or anything else. Although they both apologized and promised it was over — and my ex wanted us to “work things out” — I am having a hard time moving on. I am obsessed with where they are and what they are doing. I call my friends and ask if they’ve seen them, where were they, etc. I drive by their houses all the time to see if they are together. And I’m having wicked nightmares.

I can’t figure out why I can’t get past this. I feel terrible. It seems as if I’d start to feel better by now.

- Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’ve been there and it sucks.

This is huge emotional trauma. You’ve been hurt by two people that you loved and trusted. And they, in turn, lied about what you knew to be the truth. I would agree that they don’t deserve to be a part of your life. And two things to remember about that:

(1) You get to decide who is worthy of your trust and love.

(2) Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with someone who has hurt you.

It’s very early for you to expect to be feeling better. You are in the very beginning of the grieving process. Grieving can take a long time. Be gentle with yourself and take some time to pull out of this difficult period. Ask for help from others, perhaps even a therapist, if you are feeling really desperate. And knock off the drive-bys and gathering information from friends; it’ll only keep you sad and angry. And it may be considered harassment.

You found out about the affair for a reason. In time, you’ll see that you can now move on to a healthier relationship.

Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, these folks have some nasty karma coming their way.

Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers. Reach her via e-mail at sah103@hotmail.com.