Attractive people get eaten by sharks in Shark Night 3D.
Eaten by sharks in a lake.
And if the people in question are female, usually we see a bikini-covered-bum shot of them first before they die.
Yes, it’s that kind of movie.
Sara (Sara Paxton) invites a group of college friends to her family’s lake house for a weekend. This is the kind of lake where the house actually sits on an island surrounded by vast salt water, so, naturally, no cell phones, no running to the local fire station, no popping in the car to drive away from the sharks.
Her friends — who might as well be called Bait #1, Bait #2, etc. — spend a few minutes enjoying this little vacation before one of them, Bait #1 (Sinqua Walls), has his arm bitten off while water-skiing. Because one of the kids, Late Movie Bait (Dustin Milligan), is pre-med, he stabilizes Bait #1, packs his severed arm in ice and heads for the hospital. Because the shark can smell the drops of blood falling into the lake, the shark intercepts the speed boat and is able to eat Bait #2 (Alyssa Diaz).
From there, others get eaten, we get the hilarious backstory for how sharks might wind up in the lake (which requires of Sara Paxton one of the best bad “and I haven’t been back to the lake since then” stories ever) and, if it’s a girl who is about to be eaten, there’s usually some body-part closeup first.
And there you are.
If you felt Piranha 3D was too plot-heavy and just can’t wait for Piranha 3DD (no, seriously, Nov. 23, it’s happening), then I suppose Shark Night 3D is your movie. Sharks, as a Big Bad, don’t really do it for me. Maybe it’s their dead eyes, maybe it’s how fake they look in special effects. Add that to the fact that we never really get to know the characters that these sharks are eating (or, really, snacking on in a PG-13, not particularly gory manner) and the movie was one big bloody chum bucket of not-interested for me. For the first 20-some minutes (after a shark-attack opening scene) you’re just waiting for sharks to eat somebody else. And then, once the eating starts, you’re waiting for it to be over. And, no, the 3-D effect of having a shark mouth with shark teeth pop out at you does not make them scarier, though, in a different kind of movie, one that took more glee from its premise (actually, as Piranha 3D did) it could have made them funny. D
Rated PG-13 for violence and terror, disturbing images, sexual references, partial nudity, language and thematic material. Directed by David R. Ellis from a screenplay by Will Hayes and Jesse Studenberg, Shark Night 3D is an hour and 31 minutes long and is distributed by Relativity Media.