Television strikes back
Introduction to the Fall Season

By Amy Diaz
HippoPress.com

Forget all the back-to-school, White-Mountains-in-their-autumnal-glory crap...fall is all about the return of network television. That HBO has been getting rather big for its britches and it's time for CBS's Survivor and NBC's Must See TV (what's left of it) to kick some ratings fanny. So with a little help from the good people at Entertainment Weekly, TV Guide and some reliable Internet sources, get a bag of chips and put fresh batteries in the remote because here is your Fall Television Line-up:

SUNDAY
Something old: The X-Files (FOX)
Actually, I'm pretending this show ended last season with the big smooch between Mulder and Scully. (Viewers and advertisers may soon back me up on this theory.) For those of you that want to watch the final disgrace of this once great show, prepare yourselves for the addition of Cary Elwes (Mr. "As you wish" of The Princess Bride fame), who is slated to play Assistant Director Brad Follmer. (The Skinner/Follmer slash is probably already on a web site somewhere.) Along with suffering the idiocy of last year's new agents John Doggett (Robert Patrick) and Monica Reyes (Annabeth Gish), poor Scully (Gillian Anderson) will have to squeeze quality time with the possibly-alien baby into her supernatural-crime fighting day. (Debuts November 4.)

Something new: Law & Order: Criminal Intent (NBC)
Spin-off number two for Dick Wolf and his Law & Order franchise, Criminal Intent will focus on the mind of the bad guy. (What's next, Law & Order: Mildly Helpful Witness, Law & Order: Insurance Claims Agent, Law & Order: Night Cops Reporter...actually, I have a pitch on that last one if Mr. Wolf is interested.) The yummy Vincent D'Onofrio (who made his TV-crime drama bones on an episode of Homicide as a guy crushed by the subway) partners up with Kathryn Erbe (lately of HBO's OZ) as the cops in this robbers-centric show. Knowing Wolf, expect ripped-from-the-headlines stories with a last-ten-minutes plot twist. Knowing D'Onofrio, expect kick ass, Andre Braugher-style character intensity. (Sept. 30.)

The rest of the Sunday line up:
ABC: 7 p.m. The Wonderful World of Disney; 9 p.m. Alias; 10 p.m. The Practice.
CBS: 7 p.m. 60 Minutes; 8 p.m. The Education of Max Bickford; 9 p.m. CBS Sunday Movie
FOX: 7 p.m. Futurama; 7:30 p.m. King of the Hill; 8 p.m. The Simpsons; 8:30 p.m. Malcom in the Middle; 9 p.m. The X-Files
NBC: 7 p.m. Dateline; 8 p.m. Weakest Link; 9 p.m. Law & Order: Criminal Intent; 10 p.m. UC: Undercover
WB: 7 p.m. Ripley's Believe It or Not; 8 p.m. The Steve Harvey Show; 8:30 p.m. Men, Women & Dogs; 9 p.m. Nikki; 9:30 p.m. Off Centre

MONDAY
Angel (WB)
Poor Angel (David Boreanaz), with his furrowed brow and his dead sweetheart. All alone on the big bad WB, Angel will have to build a life without Buffy- both as his true love and as his lead-in/ ratings booster during sweeps. The old gang's still around (Alexis Denisof's Wesley, J. August Richard's Gunn, Andy Hallett's The Host and the newly action-figured Charisma Carpenter's Cordelia) and joined this year by Winifred (Amy Acker), the Willow-like girl rescued from a demon dimension in last year's season finale. And don't forget the undead-again Darla (Julie Benz), who is still lurking out there, somewhere. (Sept. 24)

Crossing Jordan (NBC)
Jill Hennessy (who, along with Sam Waterson, was part of the best assistant district attorney team on Law & Order) returns to crime fighting as a sassy medical examiner. Press reports compare Crossing Jordan to Quincy, M.E., but here's hoping for something in the vein of Michelle Forbes' performance as the take-no-crap M.E. on Homicide.

ABC: 8 p.m. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire; 9 p.m. Monday Night Football
CBS: 8 p.m. The King of Queens; 8:30 p.m. Yes, Dear; 9 p.m. Everybody Loves Raymond; 9:30 p.m. Becker; 10 p.m. Family Law
FOX: 8 p.m. Boston Public; 9 p.m. Ally McBeal
NBC: 8 p.m. Weakest Link; 9 p.m. Third Watch; 10 p.m. Crossing Jordan
UPN: 8 p.m. The Hughley's; 8:30 p.m. One on One; 9 p.m. The Parkers; 9:30 p.m. Girlfriends
WB: 8 p.m. 7th Heaven; 9 p.m. Angel

TUESDAY
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (UPN)
The best show on broadcast network television gets a scary new home and runs opposite Gilmore Girls, a strong runner-up for best show on television. Stock up on the video tapes. Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) lives, according to UPN promos, and how should be bloody interesting after her season finale death and burial. In addition, the Scoobs face marriage (Nicholas Brendon's Xander is engaged to Emma Caulfield's Anna), the growing power of witch Willow (Alyson Hannigan) and the departure of Watcher Giles (Anthony Stewart Head), who goes from regular to recurring character on Buffy (but the lead in a possible BBC Giles-centered spin-off). But fear not, into each generation a Slayer is born. One girl, in all the world, a Chosen One. One with the strength and skill to keep a series running strong in its sixth year and save a fledging network from ratings ruin... (Oct. 2)

Smallville (WB)
In the old Angel slot, WB gives us the brooding adolescent Man-boy of Steel. Clark Kent (Tom Welling) is dorky high-school-er and his future arch-enemy Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) is a geeky rebel with a rich daddy. Don't look for the kids to gather 'round the radio for an FDR fireside chat-Kent's teen years are set in a modern day Smallville, Kansas. Also, some changes in the mythology give Clark some local mutants to fight. (Oct. 16)

ABC: 8 p.m. Dharma & Greg; 8:30 p.m. What About Joan; 9 p.m. Bob Patterson; 9:30 p.m. Spin City; 10 p.m. Philly
CBS: 8 p.m. JAG; 9 p.m. The Guardian; 10 p.m. Judging Amy
FOX: 8 p.m. That '70s Show; 8:30 p.m. Undeclared; 9 p.m. 24
NBC: 8 p.m. Emeril; 8:30 p.m. Three Sisters; 9 p.m. Frasier; 9:30 p.m. Scrubs; 10 p.m. Dateline NBC
UPN: 8 p.m. Buffy the Vampire Slayer; 9 p.m. Roswell
WB: 8 p.m. Gilmore Girls; Smallville

WEDNESDAY
The West Wing (NBC)
Did anyone really lose sleep wondering whether President Bartlet (Martin Sheen) would run for re-election? He is, of course, which requires the addition of Connie Britton, Evan Handler and Ron Silver as campaign advisors. This season's real conflict will come when Donna (Janel Moloney) gets a love interest, much to the dismay of Josh (Bradley Whitford). Last season's additions chief counsel Oliver Babish (the marvelous Oliver Platt) and token Republican Anisely Hayes (Emily Proctor) return. The real fun: promises of more geeky gov discussions (federal budget, arms treaties, maybe another show on redistricting-oh yeah, that's the stuff) and maybe a little more angry Latin from an all-fired-up Sheen. (Sept. 19)

Enterprise (UPN)
The OTHER mythology heavy show with a cult-following coming to the UPN this fall, Enterprise chronicles the first starship by that name in this Star Trek prequel. Scott Bakula stars as Jonathan Archer, the Picard/Kirk for a new old generation. This fifth installment in the Star Trek universe is set in 2151. Creators promise a show that's more to-boldly-go than the recent Voyager and Deep Space Nine, according to news reports. (Sept. 26)

ABC: 8 p.m. My Wife and Kids; 8:30 p.m. According to Jim; 9 p.m. The Drew Carey Show; 9:30 p.m. The Job; 10 p.m. NYPD Blue
CBS: 8 p.m. 60 Minutes II; 9 p.m. The Amazing Race; 10 p.m. Wolf Lake
FOX: 8 p.m. Fox Comedy Wheel; 8:30 p.m. Grounded for Life; 9 p.m. Titus; 9:30 p.m. The Bernie Mac Show
NBC: 8 p.m. Ed; 9 p.m. The West Wing; 10 p.m. Law & Order
UPN: 8 p.m. Enterprise; 9 p.m. Special Unit 2
WB: 8 p.m. Dawson's Creek; 9 p.m. Felicity

THURSDAY
Survivor: Africa (CBS)
With Friends entering the baby-and-marriage phase of sitcom decline, the king of the reality shows has a clear shot at winning Thursdays for a second season. Jeff "Watch Me Keep a Straight Face While Saying 'Fire Equals Life'" Probst returns as the Survivor contestants head to Africa, a continent that knows a little something about harsh and unforgiving environments. (Oct. 11)

The Tick (FOX)
SPOON! The Ben Edlund comic book turned Comedy Central cartoon goes live action. Patrick Warbutron (Puddy from Seinfeld) stars as the giant blue superhero Tick and is joined by his sidekick Arthur (David Burke) as well as Captain Liberty (Liz Vassey) and Bat Manuel (Nestor Carbonell). So much promise, but can the Tick successfully battle Survivor and the attention-deficit programming decisions made by Fox executives (they have a really low tolerance to poor ratings, as The Lone Gunmen well know)? (Nov. 1)

ABC: 8 p.m. Whose Line Is It Anyway?; 8: 30 p.m. Whose Line Is It Anyway?; 9 p.m. Who Wants To Be a Millionaire; 10 p.m. PrimeTime Thursday
CBS: 8 p.m. Survivor: Africa; 9 p.m. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation; 10 p.m. The Agency
FOX: 8 p.m. Family Guy; 8:30 p.m. The Tick; 9 p.m. Temptation Island 2
NBC: 8 p.m. Friends; 8:30 p.m. Inside Schwartz; 9 p.m. Will & Grace; 9:30 p.m. Just Shoot Me; 10 p.m. ER
UPN: 8 p.m. WWF Smackdown!
WB: 8 p.m. Popstars 2; 8:30 p.m. Elimidate Deluxe; 9 p.m. Charmed

FRIDAY
Dark Angel (FOX)
So many bad things to report. Though this uneven-yet-entertaining action drama turned in a nice dark season finale --- Zack dead, Max (Jessica Alba) held captive, Logan (Michael Weatherly) all broody and scruffy-attractive --- unsettling Fox-like things are on the horizon. Horrifying development number one: "Max is swept into a Beauty and the Beast-style scenerio" with some mutant new cast member named Joshua (Kevin Durand), according to TV Guide. If that doesn't queasy your stomach, check out: "a grief-stricken Logan will hook up with a fellow revolutionary, " the Guide said. Couple these scary James Cameronisms with the move to Friday nights (which no show since The X-Files has made work) and Dark Angel enters the second season half on the bubble.(Sept. 21)

Pasadena (FOX)
But if you like television train wrecks (and who doesn't), stick around after Dark Angel for the sure-to-be-awful Pasadena. Billed a "psychotic soap" (according to Entertainment Weekly), Pasadena stars Dana Delany in this dark drama about a treacherous yet well-heeled SoCal family. Another quality night on the Fox network. (Sept. 21)

ABC: 8 p.m. Mole II; 9 p.m. Thieves; 10 p.m. Once and Again
CBS: 8 p.m. The Ellen Show; 8:30 p.m. Danny; 9 p.m. That's Life; 10 p.m. 48 Hours
FOX: 8 p.m. Dark Angel; 9 p.m. Pasadena
NBC: 8 p.m. Providence; 9 p.m. Dateline; 10 p.m. Law & Order: SVU
UPN: 8 p.m. UPN Movie
WB: 8 p.m. Sabrina, the Teenage Witch; 8:30 p.m. Maybe It's Me; 9 p.m. Reba; 9:30 p.m. Raising Dad

SATURDAY
Movie night: Blockbuster or Hoyts?

ABC: 8 p.m. The ABC Big Picture Show
CBS: 8 p.m. Touched by an Angel; 9 p.m. Citizen Baines; 10 p.m. The District
FOX: 8 p.m. COPS; 8:30 p.m. COPS; 9 p.m. America's Most Wanted
NBC: 8 p.m. NBC Saturday Night Movie

Note: All listings are Eastern standard time. Schedules can (and frequently do) change mere weeks into the new season as networks scramble to hide or replace ratings bombs. And because some affiliates like to screw with the schedule, check your local listings.